To the girl who was confused:
To the girl who stayed up for nights in a row—
all because she liked the feeling of drowning out her thoughts
and sinking into a deep sleep the next afternoon.
To the girl who would stare at the wall before school every morning,
wishing that maybe
if the stars decided to align in her favor,
the next day would be her last.
To the girl who sobbed into her pillow late at night,
wishing and waiting for someone to come in and check on her.
“Why me?”
“If my god is real,
why would he choose me to walk through fire again and again?”
To the girl who wished god would listen:
if he won’t hear you, find someone who will.
To the girl who didn’t feel right:
To the girl who stared at herself in the mirror
wondering why her name suddenly felt like it didn’t belong to her.
To the girl who kept falling deeper and deeper into sorrow
whose screams could not be heard.
Your pleas can’t be denied
if you never speak them in the first place.
When your only support had left,
the only thing that remained was your misery.
To the girl who hated herself:
you are not broken.
To the kid who wanted to be like everyone else:
To the kid who realized they no longer fit quite right in their skin.
You’d think a discovery like that would help—
but for them,
it only made life a little less dreadful.
To the kid who grew closer to themself that day:
you won’t feel trapped forever.
To the kid who wanted to go home:
To the kid who had to recognize that their family would never be the same again.
staying up at night
only to avoid seeing them in the morning.
To the kid who missed their dad,
and who wished their mom might introduce herself someday.
To the kid who bought a guitar,
wishing they could take on the hobby their father once had.
The music never sounded quite like it used to.
What changed?
To the kid who wished death upon their caretakers:
i’m glad you made it through.
To the boy who found a name:
To the boy who always hated how he was perceived.
Changing from identity to identity,
but being scared of trying anything too new,
As he feared it would be too hard for everyone else.
To the boy who finally found something that fit:
your past does not define you.
To the boy who learned to accept himself:
To the boy who came to terms with the fact that he would always be different.
What are humans if not unique?
Why should you be ashamed in the fact that you’re not like the others?
To the boy who made it through everything:
I’m proud of you.
To the girl, the kid, and the boy:
You are not the same,
but you live inside of one another.
Maybe one morning, the boy will wake up.
he’ll stare at his wall,
but for once, he’ll be glad he gets to live another day.
The boy is the girl that grew,
and the kid was the step that had to be taken.
They exist separately,
but without one another,
they would have never existed at all.
So, to the girl that grew:
You now exist as someone else,
but that someone will always carry you with him.
Author’s Note:
This poem was written not too long after I realized I was transgender. I decided to put my feelings of growth and identity into a poem, and I ended with this. It isn’t perfect, but neither was my growth and self-discovery.
Jaiden Sperry | 13 | Wisconsin, USA
