“A dead flower doesn’t mean it never bloomed. It did, and it was beautiful.” That was a line I read in a story, Crimson Rivers. Wonderful. It was truly wonderful. See, as good as I am at it— I’m not a writer, I’m a poet. At least I’d like to believe so. Someone might ask why I’m changing it up, trying something new. The truth is, I don’t know. Truly though, what does one know in a world like ours. There’s so much. There is so much violence, so much hate. I don’t know anything for sure. Just as a flower, I think at one point I bloomed too. I’m not saying I’m dead—no. I love this world entirely too much for such a thing. I think something that wasn’t said was that when one flower shall pass, another one will bloom, carrying its seed onwards. I think I’m blooming once more. I think I’m beautiful. It was a hard thing for me to think about at first. Me? Beautiful? God I would have laughed in your face if you had said that to me a few years ago, then probably responded with a simple “I know.” I was cocky that way, I faked it. I didn’t know. Now, a flower is blooming once more and I think that even if it isn’t perfect, it’s beautiful. It’s me. I get to decide whether or not I’m beautiful. I have decided I am. I have decided that I will bloom again, and this time when this flower withers and I enter another phase of my life— I’ll find that flower beautiful too. I’m not who I was before but “a dead flower doesn’t mean it never bloomed. It did, and it was beautiful.”
“If I cannot climb, I will grow.” Another quote, Crimson Rivers once more. From the way I write, one might assume this wonderful piece of fan-fiction is the one that changed my perspective on life. It is not, it is simply a story with beautiful poetry and a beautiful ending. The real books that have changed me are not important. You may wonder what this quote means to me, why did I include it? It doesn’t apply to me in the same way it did for Regulus, the one who said that quote. I quite like to climb. Trees, mountains, walls, emotions. I put this quote in because it resonates with me. I climb and I grow. A realization Regulus also comes to terms with eventually. I’ve been climbing for practically forever. Growing however— is something I’ve begun to do only recently. I grow in the way I deal with my emotions, rather than lashing out, breaking things, hurting hearts, I write. Growth. I grow in the way I express myself, instead of shutting down and building walls, I use music. Intricate rhythms and pitches to pour my soul out into the world, an understanding for nobody but myself. Growth. I grow in the way I take up a challenge. In lieu of wishing my opponent fails, hoping and praying that I win and that I am always right, I now hope for a fair fight, a good challenge. I now hope that if I fail, I learn to grow. Growth. “If I cannot climb, I will grow.”
“Sometimes, life is like reaching for the Moon— but if you fail, at the very least, you will catch a star.” This time, I said this quote. I said it to my peers as I graduated eighth grade. I think back on it and wonder “you constantly reach for the Moon— no, you reach for other galaxies. Have you ever caught a star?” Now I look at myself and I can tell myself that yes, I’ve caught so many stars. I’ve even caught the Moon. I always think that I reach places because I’m lucky. I think that I get into honor music groups from sheer luck. I’m not a good writer, I get selected for things from pure luck. Now I can say that it isn’t true. I am incredibly lucky, but I am also incredibly talented. Being humble is a very nice trait, but that doesn’t mean we cannot claim to be good at things. I am learning to count my stars, to take pride in what I can and what I have accomplished. I am smart, I am beautiful, I am something. I am something worth fighting for. So I will fight to reach galaxies, not for others— but for myself. “Sometimes, life is like reaching for the Moon— but if you fail, at the very least, you will catch a star.”
I will grow, I will climb, I have bloomed, I will bloom again. I have reached for the Moon, I will reach for other galaxies. Not a quote this time, as this is something I am saying for the first time. Perhaps this essay isn’t quite so personal to most, but it is to me. These are thoughts I have, sharing my thoughts is the most personal thing someone like me can do. I reach for a galaxy as I reach out to the world in hopes that my voice will be heard. I reach for a galaxy as I hope that one day I could make a good president. I grow as I extend my hand to accept the help of others. I grow as I learn things about myself I never knew existed. I climb every time I see the stars and carefully lean up on my tiptoes holding the edge of my window trying to reach them. I bloom as I discover that I am a star. I wither as I learn that stars don’t shine, they burn. I bloom once more as a different flower once I learn that stars are reborn. I learn as I teach myself that I choose if I am burning or shining. I choose my passion. I choose who I am, you choose who you are. I still learn who I am every day, but now I know that I get to pick. It’s not something that fate can take away. I will be who I am. I will learn who I am and who I will be. I will grow, I will climb, I have bloomed, I will bloom again. I have reached for the Moon, I will reach for other galaxies.
I don’t know all the answers, maybe I never will— but I don’t have to. I know the world is beautiful, I know that it wishes to be seen as such. I see beauty in things most find completely mundane. The way flowers can grow in cracks in the street, always blooming after being run over. The way people’s expressions shift through conversation, something so very human. The way that you can feel life, whether it is through an adrenaline pumping rollercoaster, or by taking a breath and closing your eyes, listening to the sound of cars driving, people talking. Maybe I don’t know the meaning of life, maybe I don’t catch on to math as easily as others can. Maybe I don’t always know what’s best or what I should do. But I know this world is beautiful. I know I love the people in it, and I will protect this world in the way I know how. I will write, I will listen, and I will speak. The world only needs to listen. The stars already have. People just need to see the beauty in the boring, in the mundane. This universe has so many questions. I don’t know all the answers, maybe I never will— but I don’t have to.
I hope that I can continue to bloom, that I can continue to grow and climb, continue to reach for the beyond, look up, and find my answers. I also hope that the one reading this considers my words and hears them. Maybe if I can help one person believe in this world the way I do, I could be president. Maybe if I can be heard by just one person, this world can grow— bloom once more into the beautiful treasure it was meant to be seen as. I hope I can convince someone to change their perspective and look up. I hope that maybe, writing this— I could motivate someone to continue living, saving a life by reading just as writing has saved mine. I breathe poetry and feed on words, writing is how I share my soul and I hope that reading it may help you understand. Dear reader, reach for beyond. Reach towards galaxies and the unknown. You will find it.
Author’s Note:
I wrote this essay because my words truly are my wings. Writing is how I breathe, it’s how I learn to fly. It’s hard for me to write essays, especially personal ones, so I took quotes that I think describe me well and wrote about them. I hope to maybe inspire someone with my writing as so many others have done for me.
Shivnoor Gill | 14 | Bakersfield, CA | @https.st4rgaze on TikTok
