It has been 6,574 days, and I have yet to catch up with the rotations of the sun. I constantly feel like the world is passing me by, it is an inexplicable feeling that l’m still trying to put into words and even till this day I have still yet to master the art of being like everyone else.
I do not know if it’s because I am merely not a fast runner, perhaps? I am not quick on my feet, in fact I never have been. And upon saying that I must admit that I rarely understand the jokes told by others, yet every time without fail a laugh escapes from my mouth. And at the end of the day, I must think to myself was it because I found it funny? Or the fact that I couldn’t let another rotation pass me by without trying to be swept up in it.
From the 1st rotation, I have not been as others were, I haven’t been able to see what they saw or hear they have heard. The feeling of wanting to belong is a feeling that plagues my mind. So much so that I yearn to be everyone’s cup of tea while my own mug is overflowing with coffee…
From my first hour of childhood, maybe since the day I drew my first breath, I still couldn’t bring myself to drink the same passions from their spring. It feels like when l’d finally draw near, and cup the cool water between my palms, it would never quite reach my lips. Always destined to slip through the cracks of my fingers before I could dream of taking a sip.
Sometimes I simply sit there by the spring and stare at the sun, hoping, no, praying, that it will stare back at me. That it will finally take pity on me and give me just a day to catch my breath. Just a day, a day to figure out what everyone’s favourite colour is, or maybe what foods excite their taste buds, and in doing so, I would make them MY favourite colour, and MY favourite food. Just so I can be jogging at the same pace as everyone else.
Oddly enough I have always felt to be the one losing the race no one else knew they were in, yet seemingly were all winning.
But I know the sun will not wait for me, it never has. Everyday the sun will rise and it will set, not once daring to meet my eye. And it makes me stop and wonder how many other beady eyes are waiting for her to slow down too. How many mountains have been climbed by those wishing to get close enough to meet her gaze. Just so they too could breathe the sweet air of belonging, before it grasps their throat reminding them once again that their lungs cannot be filled with the same air as everyone else’s. How many go blind, in refusing to seek shade, yet love the sun still, hoping and clinging onto the feeling that she will see their sunken eyes and slow down, even just by a second so that those she robbed of their sight will not miss her next rotation.
There has yet to be a day where I felt life has not passed me by. As I write this, I’m still stuck at the lake of maybe a hundred or so rotations ago, and I would be lying to say that it didn’t cross my mind to become a climber too, and scale the biggest mountain my body would manage, just to catch a taste of belonging. But in what world does it really matter now? However for once I am in no rush, to get up and keep moving, to keep running and to catch up in a world I’ll never really be one with. I think it’s worth noting that her eyes met mine today and for once I didn’t ask her to stay with me.
Forget the art of being like everyone else, if I cannot master that, then I must master the art of being myself and I shall begin by painting a masterpiece, a masterpiece of just me.
– I am Aurelian, Aurelian is me
Author’s Note
I wrote this piece to put the feeling of true hopelessness into words. No matter how fast I run, how much I try to adapt and change and let others mold me, I am still not enough. I will never catch up. And it took me many years to accept that; Sometimes I tend to catch myself doing things I would never usually do just to fit in. The main message in this piece is self-acceptance and learning to be content with who you are and being okay right where you are.
About Author
Aurelian is a writer from Ireland. She’s quite fascinated with psychology and criminology and hopes to study such in college. She loves debating and reading. And a fun hobby of hers is horse riding
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